My Independence Day

Every 4th of July, since the evening of the same day in 2002, I am overwhelmed with an incredible sense of accomplishment, pride, and gratitude over how great my life has turned out. And that is because it was on that evening when I "woke up".

All my life I had been shy, and thanks to my father's lack of sensitivity, I was also an insecure little girl, who grew up to be a woman unsure of herself and the things she felt passionate about.  Fast forward through a bad, loveless marriage, a baby, and eventually the courageous step of petition for a divorce, and I had become, especially through the years of being married to my dad's personality twin, a bit stronger, more sure of myself, smarter, wiser.  But even after my divorce I found myself unable to find something, attain something that would really give me my footing in this world.  I was still vulnerable to criticism, though I had gotten so much better at recognizing when to listen and when to ignore. I had slowly started to do away with the negative aspects of my life, though in dating I somehow always managed to date the wrong guys.

And on July 4, 2002 I woke up next to "the wrong guy".  He was an attractive, tall lawyer by way of PA, who made me laugh and melt and whom I had tried for almost a year to convince that I was the right girl for him to love.  He made me cry so very often and would have me staring at the phone for hours as I waited for the calls that would never come.  But when he would call there I was, giddy as a school girl, by his side, happy that he had come to his senses and realized how much he needed me.

And this 4th of July, I was happy just to have been with him on a holiday weekend, something that never happen.  I thought it was time to take it further.

"Let's watch the fireworks together tonight!" I said nervous and excited at the same time.

"Oh, I don't know...I...we'll see." he replied hesitantly.

My heart ached, but I pressed on. "Come on, it'll be fun.  Some of my friends will be there, we'll have some drinks afterwards and hangout."

"Sure, ok."

I couldn't believe it!  He had said yes.  Ok, well maybe not "yes", but "sure, ok" as hesitant as it was was good enough for me and I told him exactly where I would be, and gave him a couple of my friend's cellphone numbers in case, for some reason, mine just didn't ring, but everyone else's did and he was calling me. We had been invited to a private viewing along the East River and I was going to be there, with him.

Later that night, I met up with my friends, telling them excitedly about my "Mr. Big" was coming to watch the fireworks with me.  Time passed and no sight of him.  I called and no answer.  Checked my phone, was it working?  Yup.  It got darker.  The fire works started.  He never came.

As I sat there watching the fire works light up the river, I thought about how far I had come in my life. How I had made it through childhood despite having been separated from my mother through most of it, I had not become another statistic in my Latino family, and had instead become not only the first to graduate from college, but to become a successful professional woman. I had left home at 18 and courageously lived in Europe on my own and then New York City without any financial support from family, friends, or agencies.  I had always had my own apartment and was revered by my friends as being witty, and funny, and strong, and smart and by men as being sexy and beautiful.  And there I was, in a place, exclusive that night to only a few, feeling hurt and rejected and except for this one stupid boy, I couldn't understand why.  And it was with that realization that I gained my independence.

In one moment I finally broke away from all the things I was told I wasn't or couldn't be, and embraced all I was and am to this day.  I rejected the labels put upon me to no longer hide behind the shyness or doubt that obscured my glow and personality.  I rediscovered my self and liked me, I suddenly felt confident about what I wanted and needed and later learned to ask for it, and who ever came along that felt short to those needs and wants I rejected and turned away, without looking back or second thought.

In one night, the person who I was earlier that day had died and I have never seen her again, gone with her all the foolishness she embodied.

So after time, when the boy called, and wanted to see her, the foolish girl wasn't there to answer.  And, it turned out, the boy fell in love with the woman that had taken her place.  But as luck would have it, this woman did not love him in turn.

And she wouldn't love again till much later, when unexpectedly, and on a blind date, she would meet the one who would have her seeing beautiful displays of fireworks for the rest of her life.

This is an original NYC Moms Blog

Carol will be watching the NYC fireworks with the love of her life along the Hudson River this year.  You can read more about her NYC Adventures at The Adventures of an NYCity Mama.