Meeting Jillian Michaels Made me Feel like a Big Loser

So maybe I didn't feel like the biggest loser.  But when Role Mommy invited me to meet Jillian Michaels at a promotional event for her new Wii and DSi games, Fitness Ultimatum 2010 (release date: Oct 6th) I did feel like a big loser.

First, there was my outfit.  I knew we were meeting at Chelsea Piers, a giant fitness facility and gym in (you guessed it) Chelsea, at pier 60.  But somehow, that didn't translate to "wear gym clothes" to me.  Perhaps it's because all I ever wear these days is gym clothes. Because really, why shouldn't I be super comfy when all I ever do is clean-up, unpack my apartment (long story), and go to the supermarket?  Why shouldn't all sense of fashion go into the lint trap when other moms in lululemon are the only people I see?  It makes me fear the ultimate sign of suburban mom-hood is nigh -- the velor sweatsuit.

Anyway, the opportunity presented itself for me to wear REAL clothing -- non-stretchy, no lycra (if you don't count the Spanx),  clothing that one can wear with SHOES rather than sneakers and there was no way I was going to pass it up.  I knew enough not to wear heels and an evening gown - not that I wasn't tempted - but neither was I wearing appropriate gym attire.  The other moms at the event seem to have done the fashion math: meeting with fitness expert at gym + demo of new fitness game = wear workout clothing.  Me? Cute little flats, Theory pants and a silk blouse that made me sweat like a - well, like a suburban mom in a velor sweatsuit.

Strike one.

Then, there was Jillian herself.  Don't get me wrong -- she was lovely.  Funny, and charming, and not at all like the terrifyingly tough trainer she is on TV. (Seriously.  That women could whip jello into shape - though it would still ripple with fear whenever she was near.) Speaking of jello -- that pretty much describes my muscle tone.

Not so Jillian Michaels.  You've heard about Michele Obama's "guns?"  Well Jillian has missiles. She was more ripped than a pair of $250 distressed jeans.  Not that I was surprised.  It her job to look like that.  It's just that on top of the intimidating muscles was the fact that she is teeny tiny.  Even in her stilettos she only came up to my chin. So not only did I feel flabby, but I felt Amazonian.  A giant, flabby, overdressed, sweaty mom.

Strike two.

Then there was the game itself.  I've had a Wii Fit for quite some time now. (Full disclosure: the kind folks at Wii sent me one for free.) Until I went to Jillian's event last week, however, I didn't even realize there were other games for it.  Yes, I am technologically challenged.  Turns out, Jillian's previous incarnation of her fitness game, Fitness Ultimatum 2009, sold a staggering 600,000 copies.  And it turns out plenty of the other moms in attendance knew all about it. So I'm a little late to the party.  So sue me.  I just had twins!  Nine years ago...but still....

Giant, flabby, overdressed, sweaty and clueless.

Do I hear a Strike Three?

I have plenty of exercise videos. (And yes, I do mean videos. Did you not just read that I am an admitted technologically challenged woman?) I've been doing Tammi Lee Webb's Abs of Steel for decades.  Never mind that my abs are more like mashed potatoes. I like The Firm's Five Day Abs with the seemingly brain-dead hunky host introducing each segment. The Ten Minute Solution videos are my saviors.  You barely break a sweat, but can pretend to be shocked...just shocked when the scale doesn't move, because you can honestly say "but I did an entire exercise video every single day!"

As Jillian pointed out, when you're doing an exercise video, you can actually do it, or you can just watch the people on screen do the moves while you like back with a pizza and a pina colada.  (Or a wheel o' brie and a bottle of vino.  Pick your poison.) This Wii Fit business is different. When you don't do the moves, the Wii Fit knows.  And in Jillian's game, that means Jillian knows, and, being Jillian, she yells at you.  I'm not kidding.

These are not moves for the faint of heart.  Squats, push ups, lunges.  Jillian herself put on motion sensors and did the exercises herself, so the avatar really is her -- they took her actual movements and used them in the digital animation. If you don't do what she does, there's no getting away with it.

What's the fun of exercising in the privacy of your home if you can't get away with fudging it here and there? (and eating fudge here and there while you're at it.) Though I suppose that's the point: Jillian has created home exercise with accountability.  And yelling. It's just like having a personal trainer.  Only she never sweats, never tells you gossipy stories about her other clients, and never, ever loses count of your repetitions because she's busy flirting with the hip looking guy doing leg presses while he flips his hair and checks out his own pecs in the mirror.

So while I stood there thinking -- "she expects me to do that?" the other moms hopped their Lycra clad behinds right on the Wii Fit boards and started squatting away pushing up.  Me?  I pulled together a platter of crudite and put away about a pound of vegetables.

Lack of participation. Strike Four.  (Yes, there is a strike for. This is blogging, not baseball. Get over it.)

So there you have it:  in the world of Mommy Bloggers (although the more pc term is Moms who Blog - Mommy Blogger sounds so condescending.) I am not the best dressed, I am not the fittest, I am not the most clued in to what's happening. I am not even the most enthusiastic participant.  I am the biggest loser.

Only not the biggest.  Because at least I was there; I met Jillian - a certifiable star, with big guns, a bigger smile, and a surprisingly warm and friendly personality. And since I did get the Wii Fit for free, maybe I'll splurge and buy myself Fitness Ultimatum 2010. And maybe I'll really do it - for fear of being yelled at by my new friend Jillian.  So that the next time someone invites me to a blogging moms event at Chelsea Piers, I'll swim there from the Upper West Side, gliding out of the Hudson River with my new "guns" glistening, my new bikini a perfect fit, and my new attitude, that of a winner.

Original post to NYC Moms Blog.

Nancy R. Friedman is a freelance humor writer.  She writes about Momming, Aging, and her Twenty Year Quest to Lose the Same Ten Pounds on her blog, Ageless Body, Timeless Mom.