This is Where I Leave You

Jonathon Tropper’s entertaining This is Where I Leave You chronicles a recently separated and increasingly humiliated man Judd as his family reunites to sit shiva for his father. Shiva is the Jewish custom for mourners to congregate, greet friends offering condolences and chocolate babka, and for some say mourners kaddish.  It’s hard to believe that I was doing this nearly a year ago for my mother. 

Her passing happened suddenly, at least for me and I never considered life without her, with one exception.  She had wanted to be cremated but since it is against the Jewish tradition I asked for her Plan B.  I’m not sure which commandment takes precedence over the other: honoring thy mother or treating the body sacredly. 

My father, whom my mother divorced nearly thirty years ago and lives a mere three miles from my mother, is the religious one in the family.  And he took a great deal of control in orchestrating the funeral arrangements.  At least I think so because he takes a lot of credit and passed on rather pricey bills my way.  “It’s half price since the estate is paying for it,” he explained.  As if ordering $1,800 worth of kosher food for his cronies (and I say his cronies because nobody else asked if it was kosher) was doing me a favor.  He must think so because he reminds me of how he organized so much for me during that time. 

At first I resented that my father is the parent I am left with and my mother who was such an integral part of my life is gone forever.  I’m working through that.  I’ve also gotten much better at hiding my eye rolls when my father laments about his chemotherapy and cancer which has a great prognosis.  My mom had such a positive and amazing perspective from a more severe cancer.  I just wish my dad would keep his shirt on more often and not show me how lean he’s become. 

I think my mom’s death is making me a better person.  I no longer have her loving and yet suffocating personality opining on my every decision down to the ingredients I throw in my chili.  I’ve matured in a way that would make her proud and I’ve tried to take the higher road in my interactions both professionally and personally. 

My siblings are taking a different path.  I’m not sure if it is influenced by their spouses, economic situation or allegiance to my father, but we’ve had our disagreements.  Because each sibling lives three thousand miles away (my brother in Los Angeles and my sister in Cali, Colombia), they may not feel my mom’s absence as significantly as I do being 90 miles from our hometown.  When they go back to her house I think they feel her loss again and struggle with the fact that I have not maintained it to their satisfaction and I am moving forward, enjoying the house, making changes and living.  I try to listen to my husband and stay focused on what is important and so I say to the drama and nonsense of my family, this is where I leave you. 

Original New York City Moms Blog post. When Helen P is not fighting over the estate or negotiating with her dad or chasing after her two kids, she blogs at Milf Alert and I Want a Book Deal.