Swine Flu and Me: There is an Upside

I just had Swine Flu, H1N1, the phlegm flu, whatever you want to call it.  It was bad.  Very bad.  And while my general opinion is that the three most boring things to listen to someone talk about are their help, their renovation, and their illness, Swine Flu seems to be something people want to know about.  So here's my story.  And it's not all bad - even Swine Flu has an upside.

Two weeks ago, I was visiting my in-laws when I suddenly felt the overwhelming need to sleep. Normally, that could be for any number of reasons: extreme boredom, the need to escape, the somnolence of the over-fifty-five community in which they live, the excessive amounts of food my mother-in-law always cooks. (Why we need to have a roast chicken and a brisket and a platter of cold-cuts is beyond me, but so be it.)  But that particular day, we were having a perfectly pleasant time when it suddenly felt as  if someone at the retirement community had hit me on the head with a pair of orthopedic shoes . 

I am the type of person who needs to be spouting blood from every orifice before going to the doctor, but after a night of living dead I called my GP the next morning.

I've had the same doctor for about five years now.  Granted, I don't see her very often, but that day, she actually introduced herself before looking down at my chart and saying "Oh, Nancy! Wow, you're unrecognizable!" And there was my first clue that something was very, very, wrong.

Tamiflu was ordered.  Rest was required. Fluids were to be consumed in mass quantities - and sadly, coffee and red wine did not count. For the next ten days, here was my life: wake up, think about helping my husband get the children ready for school.  Attempt to lift head off pillow.  Attempt again. Decide husband can get the kids to school just fine. Go back to sleep.

I didn't have a fever.  I didn't have a sore throat, or a stuffy nose, I just felt like Lyndsey Lohan must after a hard night out partying.  Dazed, confused, and unable to walk in a straight line.  From there, things only got worse, I developed a wicked cough, so bad that I regularly coughed myself sick to my stomach, and eventually pulled a muscle in my ribcage while praying to the porcelain gods. Finally, I developed a secondary lung infection. I was ecstatic: I could take anit-biotics and kill this thing once and for all.

Now that the flu is behind me, and the lung infection has subsided (though I still get winded walking up one flight of stairs) I'm looking back and realizing: hey, there was an upside to having the Swine Flu. And here's the first one: Swine Flu can get you out of ANYTHING

A solicitor called, he started in "Mrs. Fried-man?"  (as in Fried Chicken. I mean, really, where do they get these people?) and before he could get out the next sentence I said "I have Swine Flu, so unless you're about to tell me something I really want to hear, I don't want to talk to you."  The caller just said, "Ok. Bye." If I had had the energy to whoop I would have.

I hate Halloween, but somehow I have been suckered in to running the party in my building for the past five years.  This year, not only did I not have to run the party, I didn't even have to answer the door! I just put a basket of candy outside with a sign that read "Swine Flu Inside. Candy Outside."  It was THE BEST HALLOWEEN EVER.

Not only did I not go to the gym, (duh) I did not feel even the teeniest bit guilty about not going to the gym. Of course when I do go back, everything will jiggle even more than before...but let's just revel in the the lack of gym-ness for a moment, shall we?

Another upside? Your husband finally realizes how much you do during the day. I honestly think my husband was surprised that the beds didn't magically make themselves, or that dinner didn't materialize on the table each night.

"There are these fuzz balls all over the place." he said one night.

"Dust bunnies." I said.

"What the hell is that?"

"That's what happens when I don't vacuum for ten days."

"You vacuum?" 

Well, yes.  That doesn't magically happen by itself either.

Upside number three?  Guilty pleasures.  I watched Clean House.  I watched Oprah.  I watched as the paid dog walker came to take our new puppy (like I needed a new puppy and the Swine Flu at the same time) for a walk so I didn't have to. 

Number four: I don't need the vaccine any more! 

But by far the number one upside to having the Swine Flu is this: WEIGHT LOSS.  I have been trying to lose the same ten pounds for twenty years. While I was sick, I lost a total of eight pounds.  Not quite the ever elusive ten, but I'll take it.  Every day while I had the flu I would keep up my spirits by getting on the scale each morning.  And each day, the number would get lower and lower.  It gave me the strength to go on. 

Do I realize that's sick?  Oh yeah.  Do I care?  Not at all.

And guess what?  You can't judge me.  I had the Swine Flu, and that gets me out of anything. 

This is an original post to NYC Moms Blog.

Nancy Rabinowitz Friedman blogs at From Hip to Housewife.  Her essay "The Torah, The Tooth Fairy and Me" is included in the new anthology See Mom Run.