Ferberizing My Teens

When I was 16, I had a part-time job 20 hours a week after school and on weekends. I made my own bed, breakfast and lunch, knew how to make coffee for my parents and fold laundry.  Sad to say, my kids know how to do none of the above and I have no one to blame but myself for their ineptitude.

I have given my kids very few chores to do around the house. They have to feed the dog and load their dishes into the dishwasher after dinner. Most of the time the dishes do get loaded by them, but feeding the dog (for whom my daughter lobbied for years) typically gets done after multiple reminders.

One of my New Year's resolutions this year was to teach my kids more responsibility and train them to become more independent. My friend Jen termed this "Ferberizing Your Teen". Anyone who had a baby who didn't sleep through the night is likely familiar with Dr. Ferber's book "Solving your Child's Sleep Problems". Dr. Ferber was my sleep guru and he basically taught me that in order for your baby to sleep through the night, they need to rely on self-soothing to get back to sleep when they wake up during the night.   Parents shouldn't come into the baby's room at every whimper to rock them, pick them up or stick a pacifier in their mouths.  In order to accomplish this, you basically have to allow the baby to cry themselves back to sleep to break them of the bad sleep habits that you (the parent) helped create.

So how to "Ferberize" my two teens?  Changing habits that have been created over 13 and 16 years respectively is not easy.  Frankly, it takes me a minute to feed Roxy and at least five minutes to corral my kids downstairs to do the same. It is easier to do it myself sometimes, but as of January 2010 I am taking the extra time to make them do it. Through past actions, they have gotten wise to the fact that I will pick up their slack and that thus far there have been no consequences if they forget their chores.

I am attempting to set realistic expectations. I realize that times are different today, the workload that my kids have: anywhere from two to four hours of homework nightly plus team sports, play rehearsals, tutors, etc. make it nearly impossible for an after school job.  My workload in high school consisted of thirty minutes to an hour of homework done while watching General Hospital so I had a lot more free time.   That however should not excuse my kids of not being able to take care of themselves and become more responsible. After all, my daughter will be in college in a few years without me. 

I am hoping that by the end of 2010 they will be able to make breakfast, lunch and even a simple dinner for themselves (boiling water for pasta counts, ordering take-out doesn't); set their alarms for school and get up and dressed without my having to check that they are in fact out of bed; throw in a load of laundry, fold it and put it away.  It is a short list, but these are life skills that are needed and they are more than ready and capable of acquiring them.  I am sure that  just like when they were "Ferberized" as babies there will be some tears (or vehement complaining and eye rolling) but I will steel myself for it, and realize that it takes a while to effect change, but it will be well worth it for all of us when it happens.

This is an original post for nycmomsblog.com.

Pamela W. is the co-author of "City Baby": a resource guide to having a baby in New York. The fourth edition will be available September, 2010.  She is also the co-founder of Mind Your Own Business Moms (MYOBMoms.com) a business dedicated to helping women return to the workplace.