Where's Pop Pop?

Nine months ago my father passed away. I’ve been dealing with my grief while also living my life here in New York with my husband and son. My siblings and my mom are 200 miles away all within a half hour of each other.
 
The week before my father suffered the heart attack that ultimately claimed his life my son had spent a week with my parents while my husband and I had our first “no child” vacation since our son was born.
 
During the week spent with his grandparents at their house, my son had a blast. He hardly noticed our absence, played with all of the new toys, enjoyed all the space at their large house with a sprawling yard, and visited with his cousin, Aunt and Uncle. He wasn’t even two yet so who knows what he’ll remember of this time when he grows up. But my mom sure remembers it and my dad passed away having spent a week getting to know his only grandson more than he had before.
 

When we went to visit my mom at my parents house for the first time since my father’s passing, my son quickly asked “Where’s Pop Pop?” even though it was 1:00am when I carried him in from the car while he was half asleep. During our visit he looked for him, identified him in photographs and identified some of his things around the house as correctly belonging to his Pop Pop.
 
When he sees my dad’s old cell phone, which my mom uses, my son correctly identifies it as Pop Pop’s cell phone. He recognizes him in photos around our apartment regularly. As time passes, though, he’s now stopped asking “and Pop Pop?” when we reference Grandma. Will all of the references fade? Will he really remember his Pop Pop as he grows up?
 
I was 5 when my grandfather passed away and quite honestly, I don’t have many memories of him. I can picture him sitting in his recliner smoking his cigar. I also remember that someone called for him while we, the grandchildren, were at my grandparent’s apartment during the funeral. That’s it. No memories of holidays, family outings or playing with my Popsie.
 
Because of his age, we actually haven’t sat down to discuss with my son why he doesn’t see or speak to his Pop Pop anymore. He doesn’t express confusion and we haven’t offered an explanation. How do you talk about death with a 2 year old? We could try what my brother has done with his daughter, which is to say “he’s gone away.” It’s not that we think we never will, we just think he can’t understand it yet and we should wait until my son is a little older.
 
Now we have another son. I was 10 weeks pregnant when my father passed away. He knew I was expecting. I still grapple with anger and confusion over how he could leave us. I tell myself it was his time. At my son’s bris I couldn’t help but recall how emotional my father was at my older son’s bris. This time my father wasn’t standing in front of us but his presence was felt as we named our new son after him. There is a Kabbalistic belief that you name your children after someone you want them to emulate. There are many qualities of my father’s which we hope his namesake will possess. As we raise him and tell him about the man he is named for, we hope it will leave both of our sons with memories of their Pop Pop.

This is an original NYCMoms Blog post. When not visiting her extended family, Debra lives on the Upper West Side with her husband and two sons.