NYC Moms

Sexual Harassment in Schools

My 13-year-old daughter recently shared with me some of the things the kids at school -- boys and girls -- have said to her about her body.  She inherited the "boob gene" from both sides of the family.  She has a gorgeous figure, but the attention can be a bit much.

Some of the comments included:

"Did your mom let you get a boob job?"

"Were you ever really, really fat? Because the only girls our age I've ever seen with boobs as big as yours were really, really fat."

"You have a perfect body for porn." (this from a girl)

She also described how boys, and girls, frequently want to hug her, so they can feel her breasts and decide whether or not they're real.

I remember being her age.  I remember the comments and lewd behavior of boys.  Like my daughter, I developed early, and back then, boys would not just make comments, but touch as well.  For most of 5th grade, I walked home from school clutching my bookbag in front of me, so that boys couldn't grab my breasts.  One kid would even grab between my legs whenever he got the chance.  I avoided him like the plague.

On Al & Tipper & Knowing When To Quit

Al and Tipper Gore's announcement of their separation after 40 years of marriage struck people in much the same way as celebrity death news.  In many ways, it was a death -- the death of a very public and what appeared to be a very happy marriage.

One common reaction was: "After 40 years, why bother?  Why not stay together?"

We, of course, have no idea what may have happened to cause Al and Tipper to decide to part.  While I hope we aren't soon treated to a GQ spread of Al's new plaything lolling in bed wearing Al's shirt and her underwear, a la Rielle Hunter, or blurry photos of Tipper and a supposed boy toy, it's really none of our business what went wrong in their marriage.  Unless they decide to tell us, there's no point speculating.

But to address the "why bother?" question, the answer is simple: Life.

No amount of years together should compel two people to remain married if they are no longer willing and able to do so.  I know couples who are miserable together, who hang on simply because it's been 10 years, 20 years, etc. 

Confidence is Contagious

Ever since my son was diagnosed with ADHD, I've been concerned about his self-confidence.  His impulse control issues have led him to get into trouble at school, and despite my assurances that none of this makes him a "bad" kid, he still talks about all the "bad" things he has done this year.

Which is why I'm very, very happy he's having a good baseball season this spring.

My son has always loved baseball.  As a toddler, he nearly broke the windows of my home sending whiffle balls into orbit with his Nerf bat.  I got him involved in T-ball as soon as he was old enough.  He played for two seasons with Harlem Little League.  This spring, he is playing with the Yorkville Youth Athletic Association.

My son has always been a good batter.  But in the field, his attention would drift off to butterflies and mud puddles and dirt kicking.  I assumed his attention problems were typical for his age, but his recent ADHD diagnosis made me wonder if he could still play baseball. 

Single Parenting is Hard

When Sandra Bullock announced in People Magazine that she is adopting a black baby, the Twitterverse went nuts, including plenty of snark about the spate of celebrities adopting black babies.

I said, kudos to her -- especially for adopting an African-American boy, the least adopted type of baby.  Sandra Bullock will have many more resources at her disposal as a single mother than I do.  Still and all, I'd like to warn her: single parenting is hard.

I frequently find myself trying to juggle responsibilities for both kids at the same time.  This week, as I was getting ready for an appointment with the principal of my son's school, I realized that my daughter had not yet left for school --  at 7:55, five minutes before first bell, and 2 hours after I woke her up.  Her response?  "So I'll just be late."  But I didn't have time, right then, to do anything more than remind her (and by remind, I mean yell at) that it was time to go.

Weekends are rough.  My son plays Little League, and for the next three weeks in a row, he has 8 a.m. games.  My daughter, understandably, does not want to go.  She is now old enough to stay at home while my son and I are at the game.  I want to make sure she's up and about, doing something productive, but I can't constantly monitor her by phone and cheer for my son and his team at the same time.  So while I'm with him, I'm certain she's still in bed, loafing off.  I'm bothered by it, but there's nothing I can do about it.

When Tween Idols Go Bad

Kiely Williams of Disney's girl-power group The Cheetah Girls recently became the latest tween idol to sex power to transform to a more adult image and sound with the execrable video and song, "Spectacular."  The video features Williams writhing like a stripper in sequined hot pants, describing a night of hot sex that sounds more like alcohol and roofie-fueled date rape:

Last I remember I was face down
Ass up, clothes off, broke off, dozed off...

Although Williams has attempted to defend her video performance as "acting" and the song as reflective of a reality that she is in no way promoting, her claims are belied by the song and video themselves:

What he did to me last night felt so good
I must have been on drugs
I hope he used a rubber
Or I'mma be in trouble

The video is available under the "adult content" section of YouTube.  I won't link to it because frankly, it's not worth watching.  Plus, my daughter and her friends read this blog, and the fewer young girls who are exposed to this trash, the better. (In the photo, Williams is the girl in the top center.)

My daughter loved the Cheetah Girls when she was younger.  She still has all the books, and we both have the songs on our iPods.  I won't let her watch the Kiely Williams video, but when I described it (as she read this post over my shoulder), she looked as if she would be sick.

Being ADHD in the NYC School System

My son was recently diagnosed with ADHD.

My son is in third grade and has always done well in his gifted and talented school.  He is a voracious reader, highly analytical, and a budding gamer.  He's also generally easygoing, cheerful, caring and pleasant.  Compared to my strong-willed, oppositional daughter, he was always the easy kid.

But there were signs.  This year, he's been more moody, less sure of himself, angrier.  He's had some behavioral problems in school.  And our normal homework battles became Western-type stand-offs.  I had him tested for ADHD and other learning disabilities because he has been increasingly inattentive and unfocused in school and when doing homework, and hard to get and keep on task.

Who Wants a Reading Baby?

One of my biggest pet peeves is the Your Baby Can Read® series.

My kids chuckle every time the commercial comes on, because they know I'm going to shout at the TV before it ends, "Nobody wants a baby that can read!"

Setting to one side my skepticism that the program actually works -- I mean, the babies on the commercials who are supposedly "reading" just sound like babies making baby talk to me -- what's the point of forcing an infant or young toddler to read?  If your child's age is still told in months and not years, he or she is probably not ready to read.

Your Baby Can Read® is the new Baby Mozart.  Baby Mozart promised to make your baby smarter through classical music.  Playing classical music to a young child is a wonderful thing, but parents shouldn't do it just to try to make their children smarter.  Just like you couldn't turn your baby into a genius by showing them videos of moving shapes set to Mozart, it's equally unlikely that a 12-month old who learns to "read" using this method will be guaranteed admission to NYC's top Gifted and Talented programs.

Don't Lie to Your Kids

I witnessed a disturbing episode on the bus the other day.

A father was sitting with his two children, a boy and a girl, who were carrying on a lively conversation with each other and asking Dad lots of questions.

The son, who appeared to be the youngest, asked his father, "Daddy, how long do people die?"

Dad frowned.  "What do you mean -- how long do people live for?"

The kid shook his head.  "No, Daddy, I mean when people die, how long are they dead for?"

Understanding washed over the dad's face.  I felt for him.  It wasn't the kind of discussion one wants to have with one's kids on a crowded city bus.  Still, there was only one answer: Forever.

"A few years," the father said.

What?  I thought, incredulous.  I wanted to say, "Ummm...Dad?  Answer Fail!" 

A Parent's Intuition

Somewhere between my mother's generation and my mine, the parenting gods decided "Because I told you to!" was no longer an appropriate response when your kids ask why they should do what you tell them, or why they can't do what you told them not to do.

There are sound reasons for this. Insisting on slavish obedience frustrates a child's ability to question, to negotiate, to understand the rules by pushing their limits. It hinders the development of good judgment. I believe parents should allow their kids to question parental judgment -- not every decision, of course, but certainly some of them. If you can't come up with a rational justification when pressed by an 8-year-old, maybe your judgment should be called into question.  Perhaps, in some cases, the child is even justified in refusing to give in to an unreasonable demand.

Still, every decision cannot -- and need not -- be subjected to rational examination. Every "no" cannot be rationally explained. Good judgment consists not only of rational thinking, but of trusting one's intuition as well. Our kids need to see us using intuition as much as they need to see us engaged in rational decision-making. 

Let's Talk About Sex

When I was a child, my mother never talked to me about sex.  When I started asking questions, she handed me a book.  When I had questions about what was in that book, she gave me a different book. 

I was determined to do things differently with my children.  I've talked to my 12-year-old daughter about sex and sexuality ever since she was small, using age-appropriate language.  When I was pregnant with my son and she asked how the baby would get out, I told her.  Later, when she asked how the baby got in there in the first place, I told her.

When she was about eight, she found a condom in my bedroom and asked what it was.  I gave her what I thought was a simple, basic explanation, and then she asked, "So Mom, what did it feel like?  You know, when you and Dad were having sex?"  So I've always had my hands full with this one.

The official talk was the easy part.  The harder part has been filtering the messages from books, television, movies, magazines, music and her friends to help my children, particularly my daughter, develop a view of sex and her burgeoning sexuality that is healthy and natural, yet morally conscious.

A New York Times book review I read around the time my daughter was asking me how sex "felt" provided the morality framework for our later discussions.  The book being reviewed was about a man who learned to renounce his sexually promiscuous lifestyle, thanks to the teachings of a monk who became his lifelong friend.  The monk taught the author that his principal failing wasn't sex, but selfishness -- in particular, the selfishness of using another person for your own pleasure, which diminishes both the other person's humanity and your own.

Although I never actually bought or read the book, and don't remember the name of it or the author, I've used the selfishness concept in conversations with my daughter about sex and have found it quite useful as a way to reframe and critique those messages that bombard them daily.