NYC Moms

Pre-Playdate Screening: Do You Keep A Gun In Your Home?

My 5 year old son went on a play date today - the first play date for which he didn't require my presence the entire time.  Before bed tonight, William was proud to tell his Daddy all about his day, his school, and his friend.  When he excitedly announced that he saw "a real gun with real bullets", my husband and I locked eyes and I froze.  Had my son really come in contact with a gun and live ammunition?  I highly doubted it, but I realized that it wasn't out of the realm of possibility because I hadn't broached the subject with his host. 

I've spoken with his play date's mother many times, but always at school pickup/drop-off - not exactly the backdrop for lifestyle questions.  She is a nurse and is very pleasant, and her kids are nice and polite.  It honestly never occurred to me to ask if they kept a gun at their home.  Is that something people do before casual play dates?  Sure, William would love to come and play.  By the way, do you have a gun in your house?  Is it locked up? Since my son has always been clingy and a mama's boy, (rare) play dates have always occurred at our house.  Today's play date was a last-minute thing, and I was shocked my son agreed to go - I didn't have any time to prepare myself (and him) for the hazards he might face. 

I'm Afraid of My Son's Kindergarten Teacher

The kid up the street had it right. "She's mean!" he yelled, after we told him that my oldest child would be in Mrs. M's class.  His father was quick to clarify, "Mrs. M can be stern, but she's not mean".  Um, ok.  I was already nervous about my son embarking on his school adventure in the school's first year of all-day Kindergarten.  The next day we ran into our neighbors again, and the little boy clarified, "I just don't think she treated us very well".  Fair enough.  I wondered just how "mean" a Kindergarten teacher could be.  It didn't take long to find out. 

Within a few weeks of the start of school, my son reported that she "yelled" at her class a lot.  My son has always been the type to cower in the presence of a yeller, so I wondered if the atmosphere at school was contributing to his difficulty separating from me at drop off.  During the open house, it was obvious to me that Mrs. M wasn't a great communicator (with parents, anyway), so I'm sure that isn't helping her reputation.  My mother-in-law visited the class as a mystery reader in the third week of school, and came back to report the cold and off-putting reception she was given.  My MIL is typically clueless to any sort of sublety, so it must have been a harsh welcome.

I Am A Breastfeeding Superhero

When it comes to soothing my baby, breastfeeding makes me a one trick pony.  I survived my fussy baby's first few months with him perma-latched onto me.  I learned that when nursing didn't work, nothing would work - so I'd end up offering my breast anytime he started getting fussy. My husband was envious of my milk-making, baby-calming superpower.  But, as I learned from Batman, with great power comes great responsibility.

I've been breastfeeding my youngest now for almost 15 months.  He had started to self-wean, and we were down to a couple of feedings a day.  Then he got sick - RSV and double ear infections. He pushed away the "real" food that he had previously enjoyed. He rejected sippy cups of water, milk, or juice.  All he wanted to do was nurse and be held by me. At first, I loved catching up on the snuggle time I had missed since he became more independent in his explorations.  I was sick myself, so I welcomed the excuse to sit on the couch for a bit.  But after a few days, I was eager to get up and return to life with two free hands.  

Thanks, But I'm All Set With Blessings From God

I must be getting grumpy in my old age.  I used to spend hours every day playing Tetris on my first computer.  In the office, I misused the intra-office "IM chat" function to gossip with friends on a daily basis.  Palm Pilot Solitaire was my constant companion when I had an hour-long commute on the train.  I can definitely understand the appeal of getting caught up in some form of on-line entertainment, either with others or alone.  But when the on-line habits of others waste my now-precious free time, I find it highly annoying. 

Home with 3 kids, I allow myself 5 minutes at a time to check email or Facebook...if I have to spend the first minute of Facebook time  scanning requests for me to donate "untraceable cell phones" (Mafia Wars) or "grab a boyfriend" (Sorority Life), it bugs me.  Today I found myself hiding "Blessings" and "Inspirational Quotes", and I wondered if maybe I am unreasonably irritated. 

I Need Something Furry In My Life

I need something furry in my life, and I'm not talking about asking my husband to cut back on his manscaping efforts. I mean a warm, loving, soft, snuggly and furry pet.  Since my husband has allergies to pet dander, I haven't had a pet (no offense, Sea Monkeys) since we started living together. Growing up, my family had a cat for 21 years and I loved having her on my lap, purring her approval when I rubbed under her chin. I remember unzipping my one-piece footie pajamas and going to sleep with her snuggled inside my pjs. Until this week, I didn't realized how much I missed that silent companionship in my life.

On Tuesday, I was driving my son to preschool when a little black and white terrier crossed the street in front of me.  I stopped and waited for him to pass.  He didn't.  He sat himself down in the middle of the street.  After a minute or so, it became clear that he wasn't going anywhere, so I got out of the car to encourage him to move.  I checked his tags - he had on four - but none of them had his name or owner's phone number. 

Does Santa Wrap?

When I was a little girl, every Christmas morning my sisters and I would run down the stairs together to see what Santa had left for us.  Grand displays of diversions of every kind were set up under the tree and arranged to be easily admired.  Gifts from Santa were unwrapped and positioned up front; gifts from my parents were wrapped and left under the tree. Last year, while discussing the logistics of Christmas Eve with my husband, it quickly and heatedly became clear that we weren't in agreement on the topic.

My husband feels strongly that all gifts from Santa should be wrapped.  As evidence, he offers the usual illustrations of Santa in his sleigh, which typically include a red velvet bag of wrapped gifts. Valid point. I must admit that my desire to leave Santa's gifts unwrapped is not just a function of wanting my kids to experience the same joy I did as a kid.  Selfishly, by Christmas Eve, I've done shopping for both sides of our family, wrapped all those presents, and the thought of wrapping even more gifts (that I consider to be "wrapping optional") is entirely unappealing. 

How I Know I'm a Mom

Dropping my son off at school one morning, he suddenly and urgently expressed the need to blow his nose.  At that very moment, the bell rang.  After frantically searching for a tissue to no avail, I took a deep breath, pulled up my sweater, and had him blow his gross green boogies right into my undershirt.  I'm well versed in the routine of wiping a nose with my sleeve, rolling up said sleeve, and repeating that all day long (don't ask why I never seem to have tissues on hand).  But a full on nose-blowing into my shirt? That moment, for me, punctuated the realization that "I am a mom". 

Since then, I've noticed a few other things that I would associate with motherhood...and now frequently recognize in myself:

"Mrs.": To Be or Not To Be

Now that my oldest son is five, we've gone on play dates at which I meet a child who can speak and directly address me. My usual routine is to say "Hi, I'm William's mom" and avoid saying my names.  Later, I will ask the child's mother (usually awkwardly) if she has a preference - "do you go by 'Jane' or 'Mrs. Smith'?"  So far, it seems my acquaintances are evenly split between First Name, Mrs. Last Name, or no preference.  Personally, I just can't decide.

I like the idea of Mrs. Last Name, because I was raised to always use that form as a show of respect for adults. Twenty years later, I still feel uncomfortable when my friends' parents ask me to call them by their first name.  And although it might sound a bit stuffy to request that I be called "Mrs. Vazquez", I also wonder if there is a bit of "fake it until you make it" going on.  Perhaps keeping the kids at arm's length will command respect.  Will the 13 year olds respect me if they feel comfortable enough to call me by my first name?  Another downside - being Mrs. Last Name will always remind me of my mother-in-law.  

Bittersweet Shared Birthdays

My mom was the oldest of five sisters.  Throughout my life I have benefited from exposure to their loving, supportive, and fun relationships with each other.  They are each other's best friends...I'm sure it is no coincidence that I'm happy to call my own three sisters my best friends.  To me, there is no more supportive and forgiving friend than a sister.  Interestingly, two of my mother's sisters shared a birthday, 4 years apart.  Shortly after their birthday 15 years ago, one of them was given a cancer diagnosis that ensured no subsequent birthday would be taken for granted. 

My aunt suffered through chemo, hair loss, and bladder removal, devastated but bolstered by the love of her family (she was married with 3 kids) and sisters. After a few years of fighting, she was finally declared cancer-free.  She was able to enjoy 3 more blissful cancer-free years before an odd mole on the back of her arm (out of her sight) was pointed out by her birthday-sharing sister.  We were all heartbroken to learn that the melanoma signaled by that mole had already metastasized.  My aunt died less than six months later.  

Every year on their birthday, I remember to call my surviving aunt to wish her a good day.  I always wonder if she's extra sad on that day, or if it makes her appreciate her own life more. I hope it is the latter, for we should all appreciate each new day as the gift that it is.  

This is an original post for NYC Moms Blog. 

Healthcare Debate: The Ultimate in FUD Manipulation

As a freshman in college on a Spring Break trip in Florida, I went to the ER for an ill-timed bout with strep throat and mono.  While waiting for my turn to be seen, I witnessed a woman behaving erratically and raising her voice with the receptionist.  She was nearly hysterical, but with anger rather than sadness.  I had my ears tuned in to try to make out what was going on.  Sadly, when her partner arrived, she told her that because they lacked health insurance, their sick baby would not be seen.  At the time it seemed harsh - who wouldn't help a baby in need? Now that I am a mother, I can imagine the helplessness, anger, and desperation that the baby's mother must have felt.  

That was many years ago, and I don't know how that situation would be handled today.  But I still  wholeheartedly support providing basic health care to every member of society. I have been lucky enough to have had health insurance my entire life and have never had to wonder "what if....".  I'd gotten so spoiled that I even assumed a mistake had been made when I got a $500 bill for my most recent Labor and Delivery experience (it was due to a change of coverage; $500 was my copay.  I didn't pay a dime for my two other babies).  As to the expense - I am happy to pay for it out of my tax dollars. I just think it is the right thing to do.

What strikes me about the debate today is the seeming control of the information by lobbying groups and extremists.  It really seems to be classic FUD marketing - per Wikipedia, the Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt angle is a manifestation of the appeal to fear.  People seem to oppose reform because of examples set forth that likely won't represent their experience.  For example, when I asked one acquaintance her opinion, she stated that she was opposed because "Obama wants to socialize medicine".  Really? You're going to take a position based on what you're guessing somebody might want to do? One must really have a lot of faith in Obama to think he could accomplish that (the socialization of medicine) in 8 years.  She also said that the government option wasn't "fair" and "would make the insurance companies go out of business".  If that doesn't sound like the mouthpiece of the insurance companies' PR firm, I don't know what does.